The Real-Life Adventures of A Former Glamour Girl

Getting comfortable with being flawed.

I am selfish and lazy.  My mother was right.  My friend needed help and I didn’t want to go help her.  I wanted to take a nap and cook dinner for the Thursday Girls.  Am I a bad person?  Maybe so.  If so, does this sort of being “bad,” nullify ALL of any good I have ever done?  I don’t know.  Maybe it does.  Maybe all of the good was just for show.  Just to glorify my already well-adorned ego.  I’m not sure.  Right in that moment I felt flat.  Sleepy, numb, checked out.  I believe I should have felt something for my friend’s suffering and answered the damned phone, but the truth is, right that moment, I did not. I wanted to take care of myself. Yuck!  (Who is this bitch inside of me?  I asked her after her nap.)

There I was,  in a face-to-face with my higher and lower selves.  I hate that I must admit I still have a lower version of me but alas, it is true.  At first I thought, oh my God!  I am a wretched person!  I feel nothing and I should feel something!  Still, I lay down and went peacefully to sleep for a couple of hours.  When I got up and had some coffee I began to feel better which is to say, I began to feel.

It has taken me a very long time to know myself and know my limitations.  I know most of my strengths and I know the places where I have nothing or next to nothing to give.  There was a time when I thought I could do anything, everything and more important, I thought I SHOULD do everything for anyone who asked.  I do not believe that anymore.

At one point at around ten years of sobriety, I was sponsoring twenty-one people.  This was ridiculous for a single mother who worked full time, traveled for her job, went to meetings herself and was trying to have some sort of balanced life.  This was pure ego and nothing more.  At some point I became so overwhelmed that I had to unplug my phone for a couple of months and start all over again to balance my life.

Today I am sober for a long, long time and though I sponsor many people, I have learned to take care of myself so that I do have something to give to the ones in my life that want what I have.  I do not pretend to be able to do or be everything that anyone needs.  I have a lot to share in the way of experience, strength and hope and I share it with anyone who asks.  I give what I have to give and I give it gratefully and freely.  I do not give more that I have on any given day and I know that in order to have “it” to give, I must pull-myself-in and regenerate.  I must get to a lot of meetings, talk to my sponsor, exercise, eat well and take a nap most days.  That’s just what it takes for ME to be balanced and fit to be around others.

Yesterday I felt guilty but not for what one would have thought I’d feel guilty about.  I didn’t feel guilty for not rushing to my friend’s side or even for not answering her phone call.  I felt guilty because I didn’t feel bad about it.  But the truth is I did not. 

I have given a lot in the past few days. My giving has been in the currency of time, love, attention, experience strength and hope and nurturing.  I did not give to every one of my friends, children or sponsees, but to the ones to whom I have commitments and who were in front of me at the time.  I trust God that it was enough and that I gave to the right recipients.  Maybe today I will have more to give.  I hope so.  I do not like to disappoint anyone, least of all the ones I love.

I have finally resorted to calling my sponsor to turn myself in as a person with the defect of being a lazy slob.  She was brilliant, as usual in the fact that she suggested I simply tell my friend the truth.  I do not want to be your “fall-back” person.  My life is very demanding and I love that it is, however I already give away what I have to give away.  There is no more to be had, and I don’t want to be made to feel guilty about it. 

Self-acceptance is hard to come by.  I can only accept others with their strengths and weaknesses as I accept myself with my own.  I cannot expect others to do, think, give, or be any thing other than who they are on any given day.   I’m pretty sure that most of us are doing the best we can.  God doesn’t make junk!  We are all “precious gems” in God's eyes,  although we may be flawed.   None of us is “costume.”

My life is so glamorous!  It is just not fair, lucky for me!!

 

 

 

Shivering it out till nap-time.

Most of the country is sweating it out this summer, while here at my house my fingers are turning blue from the cold.  Not that I’m complaining.  I would rather put on a sweater and gloves than turn on the AC.  Still I am sure we will have a summer, with the usual heat and scary sundowner wind gusts that have for the past three summers fanned wild fires and caused us to evacuate.  It is just that it feels more and more likely that our summer will arrive in the fall and last into the holiday season.

This whole global warming thing is messing me up.  I used to rotate my extensive wardrobe, (not) based on the changing of the seasons.  I do the same with the slipcovers on the sofa and the mantle and table décor.  Now I’m confused.  I am wearing white linen because it is after all, post memorial day, but I find a need to accessorize with a down parka or a cashmere wrap.  My linen sofas are lovely but if I forget and leave the windows open, by morning they are wet.  What am I going to do when summer really arrives and I’ve rotated into sweaters and jeans?

Same thing applies to cooking.  This should be the season for salads and outdoor grilling, but (a.) we don’t own a barbeque and (b.) we don’t have outdoor heaters.  Back to the snow attire.  The other day I made big pot of chili and schlepped it over to Stacy’s house to go with some cornbread she had made.  We ate outdoors in her little courtyard where Holland was dressed appropriately in her zebra-print snuggie and the rest of us had on sweaters and hooded sweatshirts.  The chili was a perfect "warm-your-innards-meal" for an August evening at the beach. Where I grew up it was a weenie roast in my wet bathing suit!

This brings me to what to cook for the Thursday girls this week.  The week before last was spaghetti and meatballs, last week it was tacos and enchiladas.  I would ordinarily make a salad or soup or something light, but face it, these girls are short on body fat and they need to keep warm in the refrigerator of my living room.  Also there are a couple of them who could starve to death since they don’t like anything green.  Maybe some Mac and cheese?  Right now I am freezing!  I need to go find some socks.

The sun was actually shining when I got up yesterday morning at six.  An hour later the fog had crept in like the neighbor’s cat and I put on a sweater for my walk on the beach. The dogs got the most exercise, but I guess shivering burns calories just as easily as a power walk.  I wore my sunglasses on the beach even though it was gray, so as not to frighten the early walkers with my black eye.  I’ve been going most everywhere sans sunglasses and explaining my shiner to anyone who doesn’t ask what happened.  I can only imagine what people must think.   Still I try not to defend. 

Paying attention is my newest goal in life.  Attention to where my feet are stepping and what might be coming up.  If, God forbid, I should fall again, I’m thinking I’ll need to wear a helmet and body armor just walking around the house.  That is, if I’m still allowed to live at home.  Meanwhile, today it is 60 degrees and drizzling.  I’m now watching the clock to see when I can respectably cuddle up with my blanket on the bed for a nap.  It is noon and it’s already been a long, cold day!

My life is so glamorous!  It’s just not fair, lucky for me!!