“Shut up Naomi!” (This I say to myself several times each day as Naomi is chiming in with her demands of “what about me? Look at me! Don’t forget me!” She makes these demands when my higher self seems to be in control.) Naomi is my ego. I named her for the country singer of the same name whom I have come to love in spite of her narcissistic demeanor. I know she has a good heart.
I AM Naomi, except for the fame and riches. I’m a girl who likes to wear sparkles and too much make-up and high heels even though I have absolutely no business doing any of that at my age. Naomi is full of herself. She pats me on the back with what a great job I’m doing, asking why no one else is making a fuss. “Shut up Naomi! “I say again in my head. “Jeez! Everything is not about you!” Naomi thinks it should be. About me, that is.
She does not talk much when I’m striving. Not when I’m struggling, not when it is clear that I am right-sized. Never when I am resting in true humility. She talks to me when things are going “right.” She whispers in my ear, “look! You’re a big shot now! People think you know something. It’s about time!” Shut up!” I say again and again. “I’m working here.”
There is an acronym for ego; it is E G O, edging God out. That’s Naomi. She wants to believe she has had something, no everything to do with what is good, and sweet and clear about my life. She wants to believe it is she who puts me on the right track and leads me out of the messes I’ve made. I don’t think so dear!
Last month I attended a spiritual retreat. I did not want to go however I had committed to being one of the retreat leaders so I prepared my part and showed up with a smile. It took all of about ten minutes for me to realize that this particular retreat was EXACTLY what I needed. (Funny how that happens.)
I had been on a fast track, running to meetings, being of service, lunching with my friends and just doing my life. I had forgotten how restorative it can be to just slow down and notice. The fact that the focus of this retreat included continuing to take a personal inventory and communion with my higher power in meditation was an added gift. When I finished the retreat on Sunday I felt like a new woman.
For the next several days, maybe a week or more, I floated. I was clear and deep in the knowledge of all things being in perfect and divine order. I felt in touch with a “deep inner resource” that was guiding me. I was in harmony with my fellows and all of creation. That’s when Naomi got restless. “What about me? They should ask me! I’m more spiritual than those other people and besides, I said it first!” Yah, yah, yah, take a time-out, oh sparkling one!
So today I am doing just that. I am sparing my friends the blinding light of my presence and staying home. No, I am not making them pay. I am giving them and my ego Naomi, a break. I am grounding myself with the filling of bird-feeders and the slicing of peaches. Some of us are slower than others. Some should never reach the peak of their own perfection. I am one of those. God knew exactly what He/She was doing when slapping me with a lifetime of flaws and questions to unravel. “Keep coming back,” they say around here. It’s going to take more than one lifetime for you and your fancy friend. "But, but ...! Oh shut up Naomi. Sit down and give it a rest!"
My life is so glamorous! It’s just not fair, lucky for me!!
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