About four weeks ago, I surrendered myself, and my finances to a twelve -step program for debtors, over-spenders, under-earners and people who are “vague about money”. (Huh?)
Upon entering I was not exactly sure just how I would fit in, but I was pretty sure I belonged there. Mostly because there are times when I simply go into a trance and lose all touch with reality around spending.
After four weeks of consecutive meetings, I am more confused than ever! This is probably a bad sign. It took me nearly twenty years of not drinking and going to meetings to understand the truth about my alcoholism and how it affected my life AFTER putting down the bottle. I have said before and here it is again, I am slow.
In my first meeting with this new group, I found that I was very uncomfortable and I identified as a “visitor.” Somehow talking about money and my relationship to it feels far more vulnerable than talking about my antics while drinking. Maybe it’s because it has been a very long time since I took a drink and just a minute ago since I spent money. Maybe drinking seems more glamorous. Still, it seems very personal to discuss money. That is probably because my ego is involved, I hate letting my ego down.
So here is my dilemma. My husband earns all of the money. He is generous and trusting and has never put me on a budget or given me any parameters at all. His motto in life is “don’t spend any money!” Sometimes in very good times he will edit his motto to “don’t spend too much money.” I laugh and go on my merry way.
I believe I can tell when I should not spend ANY money versus the times when it is acceptable to spend, but not too much. The problem has been that on certain occasions, such as the approaching birthday wedding or graduation of a child, grandchild, or dear friend, I feel I MUST buy a gift. Usually I feel I must buy the gift he or she most desires. This is a core belief. Or in terms of AA, “an old idea.”
At each of these meetings of over-spenders and vague- about- money -people, we go around the room and share one thing we have done in the previous week to support our new program and recovery. So far I have mostly been able to share that “I came to the meeting.”
Over the past few years I have begun to tweak my old ideas and core beliefs. Just a little. For example, I did not send out valentine gifts to my people. I sent cards with a couple of dollars to the grandkids and that was it. I resisted my urge to buy gift cards or send anything big. Oh, and I did share this new behavior with my group. So far, so good, but as you probably know, spring is just on the horizon, and I have lost twenty pounds or so since last spring. Translation; new clothes may be in order.
I have never been a “clothes-horse.” I’m not even sure where that term originated but I think it means someone who buys a lot of clothes. I get overwhelmed with too much of anything. I do however want to look nice and wear clothes that fit. Translation,; I have recently bought some new clothes and shoes. This may not fit my new program. I’m not sure.
My friends said that I need a budget; one for clothes, one for household purchases and one for gifts. Tom added groceries as another category. The whole idea of a budget scares me. It scares Tom too but for different reasons. It scares me for the obvious reasons. I’m not afraid to stay within a budget for myself, but I’m not so sure about everything else. Especially when it comes to Christmas. It scares Tom because he is afraid that if he gives me a budget I will feel compelled to spend at least the limit every month. Silly boy!
Yesterday Tom finished preparing our taxes for 2010. He reported some good news for the first time, maybe ever, but at least for a long, long time. We actually spent less than he earned! Not only that, but we (meaning he,) were able to pay down a substantial amount of dept towards the principle on our mortgage. Yippee!! I suggested he give me a parade! If not a parade, a bonus! He was not amused. I was encouraged.
I think what this means is that I have already begun to get serious about changing my ways with money. I asked him if it would be okay to spend the same amount of money this year as we did last year, since we came in under the limit. His answer was a resounding “no!” He said he would like to take a vacation this year. That’s nice. I like vacations. He would like to pay more principle on our mortgage and save more for retirement. Okay, I get the message. Then I encountered my first test.
One of my friends makes and sells beautiful jewelry. She brought some to our Thursday-girls dinner before the meeting. Her stuff is beautiful so I decided to support the arts. I bought two gifts and three little things for myself. My friend from “the group” pointed out that these things would come out of my yet-to-be-determined budget. Oh! That’s how it works!
Yesterday I announced to Tom that (of my own volition,) I will be “keeping my numbers” for the next month. This act, amounts to my writing down every penny I spend. At the end of the month, he and I will meet to decide on a budget going forward. I’m willing to do this, sort of. At least I’m willing to be willing. These are some of the aspects of being a grown-up that, well, suck! I’m not promising anything, but my awareness is heightened and I’m thinking about how I might negotiate for that bonus.
My life is so glamorous! It’s just not fair, lucky for me!!
i went to the same school as patrick. i remeber those girls from my school who wrote in. they were white trash...i always felt so bad for them.
Posted by: Pandora Bracelets | 03/06/2012 at 01:37 PM
Sorry my english, but this is great site, I wil add to my favorites.
Posted by: Derrick Rose Shoes | 04/17/2012 at 05:54 PM