“We are not wealthy!” These words from my husband on Saturday, at our annual come to Jesus-discussion about our finances. You know, the one during which he tells me exactly how much I spent last year at Nordstrom and details the costs of several gifts I purchased over the year.
“Despite appearances to the contrary,” (he makes a sweeping gesture around our living room and the vista our window provides of the oaks and the creek below our property.) “Your friends are wealthy. We are not.” Okay, I begin cautiously. Give me a minute to adjust. We HAVE been living our whole marriage as though we were wealthy. It’s not just my imagination. “Yes,” he agrees,” but we are not.”
Things can change in an instant, and they do. Of course it is a time-lapsed instant and I have been coming to the same conclusion over the past few years. Still, his saying so in such a cold and abrupt manner can cause a girl to shudder! “What does that mean to my every day life?” I ask. “Well, it means you cannot spend three hundred dollars each on all of the thirteen grandchildren’s birthdays, or for the grown up kids as well. It means you cannot go flying off to wherever you please on a whim with no thought of airline fares or what it costs to have someone take care of the dog while you’re away. It means ….” Yeah, yeah, yeah! I get the picture!
Still, I do not want to live like a poor person. I do not want to live in fear or imagine us in a box down at Chase Palm Park. I have enough warm clothes that we wouldn’t freeze, but what about my nails? “Can I still get silk wraps? “ He hangs his head and heaves a sigh in exasperation.
I suppose I have always lived as though I were wealthy. Even in my rice and beans days when I worked long hours downtown and had three kids to raise. Mostly on my own, still, I had my nails and hair done regularly. I have always entertained and bought gifts for those I love that I probably should not have bought. Back then I served a canned ham for dinner and not prime rib from Gelson’s. I went to therapy in my thirties and yoga in my forties and lived in magical-thinking, believing it would all work out.
The truth is that I have everything I need and most of what I have always wanted. In fact I have a lot of "extra" that I will begin to give away. Another new “anything” will not improve my life. Spending money only serves as a distraction to my ego. Grandiosity and generosity sit side by side in my heart.
So here we are in our golden years with little accrued wealth save friends and family. Really though, isn’t that the important stuff? Oh, but then there is the mortgage, and Tom had hoped to retire before he dies at his predicted eighty- five. No such luck! According to him, he will be parked in front of his computer, holding up a magnifying glass to see the screen and walking in to court to testify while pushing his walker with tennis balls on the legs to keep him stable.
I will have lovely nails of course but I’ll have long ago let my hair go grey. I’ll wear whatever silver jewelry I haven’t hawked to accent the grey and I’ll sit at home in the window of our apartment or motor home thanking God for the beautiful place I live. I will have someone pick me up and take me to meetings and go out for coffee or a snack afterwards (which I will bring in a little baggie,) before going home to take my nap. (I’ve heard that old people don’t need as much to eat, so it should work out fine.)
Yesterday I had lunch with one of my beautiful friends and we talked about the fact that we are aging and cutting back rather than building. This is a part of life I was not trained or prepared for. Maybe none of us were. My training was in how to find a husband, not even so much how to be married. I was not prepared for a career or for growing old gracefully. If they mentioned more, I was either not paying attention, or thought they were not talking about me.
Last night the kids came for dinner. I served tacos, roasted veggies and ice cream for desert. There is some left over, but not too much. I think I am getting the hang of this “not being wealthy” state of being although I would swear we are still very rich!
There were twelve of us around the dining room table where there was good conversation, a lot of laughter and me asking, "what did they say?” The hearing is apparently the first to go, but I think we had fun! Yep! We are rich!!
My life is so glamorous! It is just not fair, lucky for me!!
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