The Real-Life Adventures of A Former Glamour Girl

Expecting the good to grow.

I want to see an owl!  That’s right, I am exercising my powers of manifestation, and I want to see an owl!  There!  I’ve stated it our loud both verbally and in print and I expect to be seeing an owl.  Not a picture of an owl, not a far away, off in the distance-owl, but a real live owl, up close and personal.  (Did I say LIVE as in NOT dead?)

I know I have the power to create; I have done it successfully many, many times in my life.  I once said out loud that I wanted to see a mountain lion.  I said it out loud twice and with conviction and low and behold, two months later I was standing at my kitchen sink in the hills of Hollywood and I saw a mountain lion walking on the retaining wall of the house across the street.  The universe may not be fast, but it IS listening!

A couple of years after the mountain lion, I manifested a beautiful, big house in Hancock Park in Los Angeles.  Now in truth, we really could not afford any house in Hancock Park, and that eventually proved to be true, (probably a manifestation of my husband’s fears,) but two years after driving around in a specific neighborhood in HP, a house came on the market that was just about in our price range and by a series of coincidences, we were able to buy it and live there happily for the next seven years. 

The house had everything I had asked for, including a gated property with a park-like setting and a gigantic pool.  It became a symbol for a living amends of sorts to my daughters.  It gave them a family home, with each daughter having her own room. My girls had never had that as children.  Their mother was a gypsy.  There was even a dorm room for the grandkids, a baby's room with two cribs and a playroom with all of the doll-houses, little kitchens and tables and chairs my little girls had never had.  The universe is generous!

So far today I have seen a squirrel, three crows, a bunch of yellow finches, some banded rock pigeons, (which Stacy nick- named “poves” because they look like a dove but are bigger than a pigeon,) and some beetles in the act of mating on one of our chez lounges outside.  I appreciated all of this personal witness to nature, but still, I am waiting for my owl.

My husband thinks I am crazy when I talk of manifesting.  He states over and over that anything he has every wanted to see or have happen, is guaranteed NOT to come about.  See what I am up against?  I have tried to point out to him that he IS manifesting by expecting to be disappointed.  He always gets what he expects.  That has happened to me as well.

I read in one of my meditation books last week about being careful what you wish for especially if you are a spiritual person with a belief in a higher power.   It said that belief in a higher power renders us creators, which means our thoughts, words and prayers have power.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.  The Secret.  But it’s true.  I’ve been manifesting good in my life since I could first utter words and long before the book of the same name was published.  I have also brought about that which I have feared and seen others do the same.

The big blue book that is my go -to book (as it is for many of my friends,) basically says something similar.  Not in the first hundred and sixty-four pages, but in Dr. Paul’s story.  To paraphrase what he is talking about when he says “what ever I focus on gets bigger.  If I focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger, if I focus on what’s good in my life, the good gets bigger.”  This has been my experience, and why I love making gratitude lists.

A gratitude list was first suggested to me over thirty-five years ago when I called a friend who had some time in recovery.  I was planning to whine about the state of my life.  He cut me off mid-whine and suggested I make a list of all that was good in my life.  At first I was offended, but later realized he had given me a wonderful tool, which would save me in rough going.

It is hard when things are in the shitter, to write down all of our blessings.  It is sometimes hard to even think of any. It can be unimaginable to believe that anything good is possible.   The blessings and the dreams don’t have to be big, broad, or sweeping. They can be as simple as the blessing of another day, a cup of coffee, or seeing a butterfly.   Believing in hope may seem like denial but I believe it is the cousin to faith.

So I was thinking today about a time a couple of years ago when I did see an owl.  We were driving home from dinner on East Valley Road. It was a summer evening around twilight.  A huge owl swooped down above and in front of our car as Tom was driving. My niece Heather and her husband Terry were in the back seat. We followed the owl closely for several hundred yards before it flew off to the side and out of sight. 

I knew seeing the owl was a blessing, a gift, animal medicine of some sort and I am quite sure I said “thank you” to the powers that be.  Still, I am greedy.  I want to see it again, not for proof of anything but because I know the universe is listening and there are plenty of owls to go around.  In the meantime, there are more “poves” and finches at the feeders.  I think I’ll put some walnuts out for the squirrel.

My life is so glamorous!  It is just not fair, lucky for me!!

 

 

A surprising place for a wake-up-call.

There is nothing like a funeral, to wake up a life!  To remind me I can choose to NOT be missing life with junk TV and junk food.  To remember how good it is to be alive and care.  Sometimes I forget.  I forget that the clock is ticking, the timer is set and I don’t know exactly to what time or day.  

Yesterday was our friend Fred’s day, Fred and his family of wonderful kids, grandkids, great grandkids, and Peggy his beautiful wife.  Peggy is my friend.

I only met Fred a few times but by listening to Peggy over the past few years, I felt as though I knew him well.  Hearing his daughter’s eulogy, I wish I had.  It sounds as though Fred lived a good, long life, filled with family and friends.  It appears he took full advantage of the time he was given here and enjoyed it all immensely.   It seems as though Fred was a “giver.”

What does it mean to live a full life?  Sometimes I feel as though I miss that point.  I think it means being fully present in the moment.  Saying “yes” when I am with my family or friends, to fully be there and not be sending texts or talking on the phone,or checking my email (although as I have pointed out to my family many times, I CAN dual process.)  They are not impressed.

I think sometimes it is hard for me to give my full attention to anything or anyone.  It can feel like too much.  Too much love, too much awareness, too much pain, too much joy. I think it is called intimacy.  I want to be present in my life and say yes to all of the moments I am given with people and with nature.  This is also my way of being fully present to God.  I think my full attention is the gift I want to give.  Where I put my focus and spend my time shows what and whom I love.

Yesterday’s services included a Catholic Mass.  I am not a Catholic, but I have been baptized and so I felt worthy to receive communion.  I don’t know if that was kosher  (please excuse the mixed metaphor,) but I got in line with the rest of the faithful and received the wafer from the priest.  I placed the cracker on my tongue and then sat down to feel the meaning of communion. I looked at those around me.  Was I supposed to wait to eat the wafer?  It’s been a very long time.  I hate not knowing the correct protocol.

What is the correct protocol for living?  I think it begins with being grateful.  After all, this life is truly a gift.  I say that most mornings in my prayers.  “Thank you God for another morning of life on planet earth.”  I don’t say thank you for the whole day right at first because I never know if I am going to get the whole day.  Before I go to sleep at night I say thank you again. 

Another part of the protocol is to give it all away, my attention, my time, and my riches.  Sometimes I fall short of that goal. Sometimes I overwhelm myself with giving and forget to get my own cup filled.  Then I become selfish and want to hoard.  This happens to me every year, especially after Christmas.

Christmas is a time when I love to give. It is a time when I have license to give.  Not just of gifts but of moments.  I love creating moments that are special for the ones I love.  Moments that turn into memories, the kinds we want to remember, but I must get my own cup filled before I have anything to give away.

I heard a fable many years ago about a young monk who went to study with a wise master.  The student sat down at the master’s feet to learn and the master said,” Before we begin, let us have some tea.”  The student held out his cup and the master began to fill the cup.  The cup filled but the master kept pouring until the tea spilled out onto to the table and the floor and the student said, “Stop!”  The master nodded and said, “Yes.  This is the first lesson.  Before you can receive, you have to empty the cup.” 

This is the part where I mess up.  The part of life when I have a quiet half hour to myself when I can choose to be still and empty my mind or choose to fill my mind and my life with static.  I do not believe the message or the gifts I want to give will be found by watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or in any of the millions of distractions I have used.   

I think of myself as a “giver.”  But sometimes I pull myself in and hoard.  I hoard my attention, my experience and hope, my time and my stuff. I do not want to answer the phone or the door.  The pulling-in is okay I believe, if and when I remember to use that pulling-in time to refresh my supply of love etc., not to numb myself with things and activities that do not matter to my life.

For the past week I have been in my usual January–funk.  It happens nearly every year and this year was right on schedule.  For three months, including the month of December, I prepared and gave and spread love all around.  I did not go to my average four or five meetings, (the place I go to get MY cup filled.)  I did not take any time for the things that empty my mind and prepare me to receive.  I did not take my walks, or exercise, or sit quietly watching the birds at the feeder.  I was out of balance and by the time my kids and grandkids left to go home, I was done.

Out of energy, out of wisdom, out patience out of balance.  I tried writing for three days straight and all that come out of me was negative.  Then I went to Fred’s funeral and just knowing I was going to see people I love who were gathered to celebrate our friend’s life, my mood and my energy began to change. It lifted me up.

This morning I went to my regular meeting.  I felt happy just to be in the company of the people in that room.  I did not share; I really had nothing to give.  My cup is empty. Now I can begin to fill it up and then I can begin again to give it all away.  I am so grateful for the moments this week when I paused to check in with myself and with a greater power than I.  Happy New Year everyone!  Thank you Fred for yet another gift.

My life is so glamorous!  It’s just not fair, lucky for me!!