A surprising place for a wake-up-call.

There is nothing like a funeral, to wake up a life!  To remind me I can choose to NOT be missing life with junk TV and junk food.  To remember how good it is to be alive and care.  Sometimes I forget.  I forget that the clock is ticking, the timer is set and I don’t know exactly to what time or day.  

Yesterday was our friend Fred’s day, Fred and his family of wonderful kids, grandkids, great grandkids, and Peggy his beautiful wife.  Peggy is my friend.

I only met Fred a few times but by listening to Peggy over the past few years, I felt as though I knew him well.  Hearing his daughter’s eulogy, I wish I had.  It sounds as though Fred lived a good, long life, filled with family and friends.  It appears he took full advantage of the time he was given here and enjoyed it all immensely.   It seems as though Fred was a “giver.”

What does it mean to live a full life?  Sometimes I feel as though I miss that point.  I think it means being fully present in the moment.  Saying “yes” when I am with my family or friends, to fully be there and not be sending texts or talking on the phone,or checking my email (although as I have pointed out to my family many times, I CAN dual process.)  They are not impressed.

I think sometimes it is hard for me to give my full attention to anything or anyone.  It can feel like too much.  Too much love, too much awareness, too much pain, too much joy. I think it is called intimacy.  I want to be present in my life and say yes to all of the moments I am given with people and with nature.  This is also my way of being fully present to God.  I think my full attention is the gift I want to give.  Where I put my focus and spend my time shows what and whom I love.

Yesterday’s services included a Catholic Mass.  I am not a Catholic, but I have been baptized and so I felt worthy to receive communion.  I don’t know if that was kosher  (please excuse the mixed metaphor,) but I got in line with the rest of the faithful and received the wafer from the priest.  I placed the cracker on my tongue and then sat down to feel the meaning of communion. I looked at those around me.  Was I supposed to wait to eat the wafer?  It’s been a very long time.  I hate not knowing the correct protocol.

What is the correct protocol for living?  I think it begins with being grateful.  After all, this life is truly a gift.  I say that most mornings in my prayers.  “Thank you God for another morning of life on planet earth.”  I don’t say thank you for the whole day right at first because I never know if I am going to get the whole day.  Before I go to sleep at night I say thank you again. 

Another part of the protocol is to give it all away, my attention, my time, and my riches.  Sometimes I fall short of that goal. Sometimes I overwhelm myself with giving and forget to get my own cup filled.  Then I become selfish and want to hoard.  This happens to me every year, especially after Christmas.

Christmas is a time when I love to give. It is a time when I have license to give.  Not just of gifts but of moments.  I love creating moments that are special for the ones I love.  Moments that turn into memories, the kinds we want to remember, but I must get my own cup filled before I have anything to give away.

I heard a fable many years ago about a young monk who went to study with a wise master.  The student sat down at the master’s feet to learn and the master said,” Before we begin, let us have some tea.”  The student held out his cup and the master began to fill the cup.  The cup filled but the master kept pouring until the tea spilled out onto to the table and the floor and the student said, “Stop!”  The master nodded and said, “Yes.  This is the first lesson.  Before you can receive, you have to empty the cup.” 

This is the part where I mess up.  The part of life when I have a quiet half hour to myself when I can choose to be still and empty my mind or choose to fill my mind and my life with static.  I do not believe the message or the gifts I want to give will be found by watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or in any of the millions of distractions I have used.   

I think of myself as a “giver.”  But sometimes I pull myself in and hoard.  I hoard my attention, my experience and hope, my time and my stuff. I do not want to answer the phone or the door.  The pulling-in is okay I believe, if and when I remember to use that pulling-in time to refresh my supply of love etc., not to numb myself with things and activities that do not matter to my life.

For the past week I have been in my usual January–funk.  It happens nearly every year and this year was right on schedule.  For three months, including the month of December, I prepared and gave and spread love all around.  I did not go to my average four or five meetings, (the place I go to get MY cup filled.)  I did not take any time for the things that empty my mind and prepare me to receive.  I did not take my walks, or exercise, or sit quietly watching the birds at the feeder.  I was out of balance and by the time my kids and grandkids left to go home, I was done.

Out of energy, out of wisdom, out patience out of balance.  I tried writing for three days straight and all that come out of me was negative.  Then I went to Fred’s funeral and just knowing I was going to see people I love who were gathered to celebrate our friend’s life, my mood and my energy began to change. It lifted me up.

This morning I went to my regular meeting.  I felt happy just to be in the company of the people in that room.  I did not share; I really had nothing to give.  My cup is empty. Now I can begin to fill it up and then I can begin again to give it all away.  I am so grateful for the moments this week when I paused to check in with myself and with a greater power than I.  Happy New Year everyone!  Thank you Fred for yet another gift.

My life is so glamorous!  It’s just not fair, lucky for me!!

 

Comments

[Ed Reiman]

Yes, Kathy, the death of our peers (worse yet, our kids) IS a 'wake-up' call, indeed. Some of us have lost more than others ... we are (or SHOULD be) a bit more awake than those blessed with few or none.

As we (us boomers) get beyond the the top of the 'bell-curve', we have lost - and WILL lose - more of our peers. We have already lost one or two parents. This is programmed in our DNA; it is no surprise.

That said, these individual, up-close and personal losses are hurtfull ... particulary around holidays.

It is caise to hold on tight to or loved ones, and live more fully ... to do thos things to honor the departed.

For those of us who have spent Christmas in a combat zone (in the midst of ALL that was) know well the fleeting nature of life it's self, and the need to hold fast to the living.

May the coming year bring you joy and gains rather than losses, more happyness and very few tears ... and most of all LIFE.

[Shelley]

Good one Mom! That is what I tell the kids about time being precious. You want to fill your time with activites and moments you will remember- using your body by moving, not wasting it by letting the hours pass in front of electronics. Thanks for reminding me too of how I want to spend my precious time! I love you!

[trish]

I so love all of your words of wisdom!!! I can so relate to the stirring around and not making the time count. I am so working on my focus this year. To stay in it, not get distracted and really make the room to get done what really matters!!! I might have to tie myself to a post...I will let you know how that goes...haha

I so love you and enjoyed seeing and spending time with you during the holidays...xoxo T

[Lulu]

I'm happy for you that you have such a splendid life, Kathy. You deserve it.
As for me, I have called and emailed every women's recovery house in the Philadelphia PA, Wilmington DE area and not a single one of them is willing to take me in as a worker in exchange for shelter. Hmm. Makes me think there SHOULD be such a thing. Perhaps when I am no longer homeless, I'll try and make that happen. Meanwhile: Unlucky for me, it's just not fair - my life is so (not) glamorous. Come in, pity pot, lost ass calling, over and out!