My favorite Birthday. So far!

Today I am celebrating another birthday.  This one is my favorite because even though I was 64 just two days ago, today I am 36!  Thirty- six years of being truly alive and wonder-of-wonders, sober!!  That, for those of you who do not know, is a very long time without having “a little something to take the edge off.”

This is a down right miracle!  It is a miracle because I have never done anything for thirty- six years in a row, except for motherhood.  I have not stayed married or divorced or fat or skinny or in the same house or the same town or had the same name for thirty- six years.  One can deduce that I did not stay sober by myself.  I have had a lot of help!

I not only have stayed sober for thirty- six years, but I have kept going to “those meetings!”  I cannot say what kind of meetings because that would violate our eleventh tradition, but some will figure it out on their own.

One of my dearest friends asked me today to tell her about my last drink.  I won’t bore you or me by recounting that utterly, uninteresting event.  I can say that sometime on the evening of December 21, 1974, I had a moment of clarity where I saw clearly what I had become and what was in store for me if I did not change my ways and quick.

The next morning I was up before dawn and I made a call to a number I found in the phonebook.  I spoke to a stranger who said the words, “you don’t ever have to feel this way again if your don’t want to.”  I can’t say that I have never again in thirty- six years felt badly about myself, because I have.  There have been mornings after an argument, mornings after an outburst, mornings after I put a bad idea into play but I have never felt hopeless in that same way in the past thirty six years.

Since then many things about my life have changed.  Everything about my life, except maybe my neck and my weight, are better.  My three little girls have grown into three beautiful, accomplished, self-confident women.  They are all wonderful mothers and wives to their original children and husbands.  I myself have become, if not a wonderful wife and mother, at least a decent wife and mother.  These were not easy or speedy accomplishments.  They took years and years and the suggestions and example of many, sober women.  My own mother being the first. 

I have learned something about how to be a friend, how to live and let live, not taking much of anything personally, not criticism, not praise.  I have even come to see that I am not the center of the universe.  (I’m sure my husband and kids would beg to differ, but really, I get it.)  My first sponsor had a saying that I hated but which has come to me on those occasions when I worried about how I looked or what I said.  She said, “Kathy, you are not the star!”  It has helped me so much because I realize that my hair or my message doesn’t really matter, that I don’t really matter.  At least not in the superficial ways I think I should.

I have come to find a higher power that is personal to me.  My concept of that force has changed and evolved as I have.  It is no longer something outside of myself but is instead a power for good; a knowing of how to precede that resides within me.  I always know the right thing to do if I just get quiet and ask.  Before being sober I could not even ask the questions let alone be quiet enough to hear that still, small voice within when it whispered the truth as I became willing to hear it.

One of the best parts about this day and the many thousands leading up to now, is that I know I am capable of change.  I am flawed for sure.  No one will argue that, least of all me, but I have and I can change.  I have not given up on myself.

Today I woke up with a nasty pain in my neck and shoulder.  (I think I’ve been eating too much meat.  That’s a good one!  Too much meat!  Never thought that would be the cause of a headache.)  What was different about this pain was this; I did not owe an apology.  I did not have any messes to clean up.  I hardly had to complain about it or make myself the center of pity.  I simply took a hot shower, got dressed and went about my day.

I had breakfast and lunch with friends, one of my daughters and a granddaughter.  My drinking has never embarrassed my granddaughter.  This is not to say I have never embarrassed her.  I have and I did this morning.  I wore a ski hat pulled over my head and ears to cover my wet head.  They said I looked, odd, but I’m not the star, so I didn’t care!

The best part about the thirty- six years I’ve been sober has been the part where I get to give it away.  It’s one of our “suggestions,” that we help others by sharing our experience, strength and hope with the people coming up behind us.  This has been the most surprising and unexpected of gifts!  I have been touched deeply and forever, by people I otherwise might never have met.

I had no idea, no concept, on that dreadful December night of what lay ahead of me in stores of love, experience and community when I was thinking my life was over! 

This birthday truly is just that; a celebration of re-birth.  For I have been given all that I was seeking in the way of tools for living, love and connection with others.  These riches were given to me  in exchange for simply letting go of the things I thought I could not live without. 

Happy Birthday to me!! Happy Birthday to Us!   

Thank you for the gifts! 

How did you know that I just LOVE surprises?

 

My life is so glamorous!  It is just not fair, lucky for me!!

 

Comments

[Marcia Peterson]

Happy Birthday, sweet woman, friend and inspiration. This world is a better and richer and softer place because you are here.
I am so honored to say "Happy Birthday" to you, my teacher and fellow traveler.
So glad you made that call.
With much love,
Marcia

[Bobbi]

Happy happy birthday dear friend and first sponser. It is an honor to know you,to call you a friend. You are such an incredible example of what the progam is all about. I love you dearly.
Love,Bobbi

[Cecilia albert]

Happy Birthday to a woman I have admired for 32 years. You have been one of my inspirations and with your help Kathy, I have kept coming back too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your sobriety with me & at such a crucial time for me. You were non judgmental & had a soft & loving way about you.
Happy, Haapy Birthday to you.

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At lease we should try. nobody knows what happen tomorrow. there is no point in not enjoying the time just because of further worries…

[Kathy]

You are so right! Today is all we have. Living well is my "thank you" to the universe for allowing me to have this day. Enjoy!