An unexpected gift.

While I have been shopping and decorating to make Christmas magic, one of my sponsees is sitting out the holidays in prison.  Well actually, she has been transferred to Corona’s Institution for Women, in order to participate in fire camp, (This is not to be confused with Camp Fire Girls.  It is a totally different thing.)  Fire camp it seems, is apparently  grueling and does not include marshmallows or singing around the camp fire!  

My sponsee chose to apply for fire camp because it will cut eight months or so off of her six- year sentence.  Eight months may not seem like a long time, but I guess when you are staring at four walls with bars on one of them, eight months could be an eternity.

I have been anxiously awaiting a letter from her.  Yesterday, one arrived in my mailbox.  I was anxious because I could tell from reading her previous letter, that she had not received my two most recent letters.  She was worried that something was wrong, that I had moved away or decided not to work with her.  Yesterday’s letter informed me that she finally did receive a stack of mail that was four months old and included my correspondence.

It is hard not to feel sorry for this girl, whois the same age as my youngest daughter.  There is no doubt in my mind that she did wrong, and plenty wrong at that.  Seven DUI citations is nothing to brush off lightly.  I do not doubt that the punishment fits the crimes.  I think it does.  I just do not know if this punishment will in any way effect her behavior or her life in the future.  Growing up has proved to be a long slow process even for the most humble and willing of us and slower still for some of us.  I wish I could give her shortcuts to make the next lessons easier, but as far as I know there are no shortcuts.

This month, on the 22nd, I will celebrate thirty -six years of sobriety. I have not received a DUI during this time, (although I have been banned recently from a retail establishment due to my arrogant outburst of “don’t you know who I am?”  Humm!!)   I have mercifully been blessed with whatever it took in the way of willingness and grace to go one day at a time without the aide of booze or drugs.  

I’m not stupid either, so I somehow knew that I couldn’t do it by myself and I have stayed very close to the people ahead of me who did and do know how to live without additives.  My sponsee in prison is highly intelligent, probably more so than I am and yet, there she sits and here I sit.  I think pride is the crack in an otherwise brilliant way of seeing the world.

In the book entitled Twelve Steps, and Twelve Traditions, pride is listed as number one of the seven deadly sins.  I’m not surprised because pride alone is a powerful drug.  Pride is the drug that tells me I don’t need you.  It tells me I don’t need God. Pride tells me I’m different. It tells me I do not need to do what you lesser beings have to do, just to get along in the world.  Pride tells me the rules don’t apply to moi!  Pride is out to kill me!

I don’t mean the kind of pride that suggests I wear lipstick and take my time picking out exactly the right shoes.  That kind of pride is a good thing I think.  I’m talking about the kind of pride that tells me I’m unique, that tells me you wouldn’t understand, that tells me I am FINE, that I know what I'm doing!.  This brand of pride wants to take me out!  This brand of pride is deadly!  I am intimately familiar with this nasty deceitful strain of pride.

Funny thing about character defects.  They come all dressed up in different outfits just to keep me guessing. Sort of like a costume party!  For me, pride has worn the dress of arrogance, entitlement, grandiosity and insecurity.  The insecurity dress is really hard to recognize, insecurity being pride in reverse.  Still, even shyness is all about me.

I visited my incarcerated sponsee often, for a year in the county jail, while she waited to receive her sentence.  I went to court with her a total of four times while her lawyer asked for continuances and pleaded for a different outcome.  I was even called to testify as a character witness in her last court appearance.  (I was terrified that I might sway the judge in the wrong way.  That belief in and of itself is pride.  Turns out I am not that convincing.) 

At the end, she received the sentence of six years.  She was bitterly disappointed that rehab instead of prison, was off the table.  In times past, she had been sentenced to rehab.  It seems she came to a point where she forgot about what put her there and decided to use her best ideas for how to manage  her life; drinking and driving while under the influence.  I visited her the day following her sentencing.

I suggested she continue her step work and devote her life to service.  I reminded her that she is in the position of being able to help other women who make the same mistakes.  Her response to me was, “I blame the police!  It’s not my fault!”

Today I am grateful to know some of my faults and defects.  I’m sure I do not know all of them.  I keep taking myself to a place where I can here a message of hope and possibly identify with the defects and solutions I hear others share.  In the meantime, I was up before dawn this morning and watched the sun rise.  I sat outside in the warm breeze and listened to the wind chimes, the birds and the wind in the eucalyptus. 

Today I will shop for groceries, attend a Christmas Tea at Casa Serena, and then prepare a special dinner for some friends.  I’m pretty sure I’ll manage to squeeze in a little nap as well.  My life is simple and sweet, filled with love of family and friends.  I am blessed beyond words, and all I had to do was surrender the exact defects my sponsee still holds so dearly.

I surrendered to the fact that I am powerless over alcohol, drugs, sugar etc., and that I do not know how to manage my life.  I also accepted the idea that, on any given day, I may not know what is best for me or anyone else and that there might just be a power greater than myself that does know.  Who knew?

 

My life is so glamorous!  It’s just not fair, lucky for me!!!

 

Comments

[Marcia Peterson]

So poignant, Kathy. Once again you offer a reality snack - a little bite of the the stuff that gets me back on track.
I am reminded to be grateful for all I have. And today I am reminded to be grateful for my freedom.
I'm having a hard time swallowing that bite about insecurity. It doesn't taste good....
Hmmmmmm....might need a little humility to wash it down.
Merry Christmas, dear friend.
Thanks for being so you.

[Hilary]

Thank you for this! It was exactly what I needed to read this morning while sitting in my warm beautiful house listening to the rain. I love you.