NOT a pretty picture.

I love metaphors!  Metaphors help me visualize life in a way that my artistic brain can comprehend;  with pictures.

I have imagined more than once, that life is like rock-climbing.  It is straight up, with an ever-present danger of losing your grip, pulling a bolder down on your head and falling into an irretrievable ravine.  Or, on those really good days, it can provide a safe ledge on which to pitch your tent for a while and enjoy the vistas of a spectacular life.  You can sit there for as long as the weather holds, eating your beans and weenies before you have to slap on the backpack and cleats and start to climb again. 

This past week I spent my time trying to dig out from a nasty fall, or rather a headlong dive, into the depths of my used-to-be, unlovely self.  I had several slips of the emotional, maturity, tongue and pen-variety, and found myself making amends more than once within a week’s time.  Not a record I am proud of or a ribbon I wanted to pin on my now deflated chest.

It has been a few years according to my nearest and dearest, since I have gone to the dark side of my nature.  I am here to report, “it”, the dark side, lives and breathes and has just been lying in wait for my ego to overshadow my spiritual, higher self and throw me off the side of the rock.  The Bitch is alive and well!

I won’t even bore you with the three little slips I had leading up to the big slide.  Let me just suffice it to say, that butting in, and telling straight out lies were involved.  Oh, and a few well-placed- zingers aimed at someone I love.  It is a very slippery slope to flat -out bad behavior!

Those closest to me have already heard this story several times in the past few days, so I am sorry to be repeating it.  Hopefully this will be the final telling until some other poor soul takes a dive and I drag out the story in an effort to make her or him feel not so alone.

On Wednesday one of my sponsees asked if I would accompany her to return some clothes that she had purchased in a moment of insanity.  (It was insanity because she is unemployed and has a kid, herself and a car payment to take care of and support.)  She had tried on Monday to make this return, which was well within the required, 60-day period and she was in possession of the sales receipt and the clothes still had the tags on.  I really thought it was a no-brainer, and I would simply waltz into the store and show her how a grownup gets things done.  Hah!  Not exactly!!

We went into the store together and when the sales associate realized that my sponsee was the woman who had been in the store earlier that week, she stepped back and walked to her co-worker and whispered something in her ear.  I immediately saw red. 

She told us there was a problem and that my friend would have to come back when the manager was there.  I flipped out!  I reviewed the stores stated returns policy, showed her where it was written on the sales slip, pointed out all of the obvious tags on the garments and that she was not asking for cash but rather to credit the card she has used to buy the goods.  None of this made any impression.  I asked her to phone the manager and let me speak to her, which she did and I did.  Still, I did not get my desired results.  To say I lost my temper is an understatement.  I let them know how unprofessional and WRONG they were in no uncertain terms.  Ultimately, we left the store with the clothes in tow, vowing to never return.  (At least I vowed to never return.)  (They wish!)

As I walked with my sponsee, (who by the way was with me so that I could mentor her in living and acting like a RECOVERED person,) I was amazed at my rapid heart rate, my pounding head and the overdose of adrenaline that seemed to be coursing through my veins.  I mumbled something about my behavior NOT being the right kind of model and sent her on her way while I went in to a "good" store, where people there know who I am.  (Yeah, right!)

It took nearly an hour and a few purchases for me to come back into my body and realize exactly how much of a jerk I had been and that I owed the innocent sales people in that store, and my sponsee, a big fat groveling amend.  Yuck!

Thank God I did not think too much about it.  I said a little prayer, walked back to the store where I had made the scene and sought out the people I had verbally abused.  Then I made my apologies.  I did not say anything about them other than to say I was deeply and truly ashamed and sorry about my behavior.  I also amended the flat out lie I had told about being my sponsee’s mother.  I mean could it have been any worse?  Don’t think so.

When I got home I called my sponsor and told on myself.  She asked me what caused me to go off and I really could not tell her.  I didn’t get it!  For the next three days, I shared about it in meetings, and tried to understand how and why I had taken such a plunge into the murky pool of insanity.  Then Friday night at a meeting, I began to understand.

I thought I was there in the store with my sponsee to show her “how it should be done.”  When I was met with the same resistance that had stopped her, I completely lost it.  I forgot about being powerless. I forgot to surrender to win.  I forgot to let go and let God.   My ego had taken over and I thought I was in charge. 

Looking back over the week, I think that had been a theme in my thinking.  That I had somehow arrived and had life and the people in it, all under MY care and control.  Not so.  No one has appointed me "God's little helper."  Thank goodness!  

So now I am back on the mountain.  I’ve pulled myself out of the ditch, made my amends and I think, forgiven myself.  It’s embarrassing to still be in the rock-climbing-kindergarten-of-the-soul at my age and length of sobriety, but here I am. 

Could somebody please pass the juice and cookies?  I'd like to have a snack before I start to climb. 

My life is so glamorous!  It’s just not fair, lucky for me!!

 

 

Comments

[Marcia Peterson]

Where would I be without your courage? Thanks for your honesty and shameless truth telling.
You are, my friend, always an inspiration. Even when you are "bad" you are good, because as I watch you and your humanity I remember that it really is ok to be human - pitfalls and trips and tumbles and all.
Dare I say, "Thank you for sharing"?
With love,
Marcia