The ripples of a retreat.

I’ve been resting and recovering for the past couple of days, attempting to regroup after my weekend retreat.  That’s right, I need to recover from my weekend away with the girls. 

This was not an ordinary retreat where I get a massage or a facial every afternoon following a morning of lazing on a chez by the pool.  This was a spiritual retreat, which is code for a working, reflecting and praying retreat.  However lovely the accommodations at St. Mary’s Retreat House behind the Santa Barbara Mission, there was NO room service.  It was up to each of us to take care of our physical comforts, the reason we were there was to GROW in character and spirituality.

This particular retreat focused on character defects.  Mine.  The whole idea was to identify, become ready to let the suckers go, and ask the highest power to remove them.  It was a tall order.  The defect I chose to let go, was my favorite one of all, that of entitlement/pride.  Believe me, I came to this decision kicking and screaming and digging in with all my might.  I like feeling entitled!  It has allowed me to live in ignorant bliss for most of my life.  But no more.  I’ve given it up.  (Or at least I’ve become willing to give it up.)

According to my mother and many of my former and present husbands/husband, I have always felt entitled.  I’m not sure, but I think they may have been right.  I don’t remember any particular events as a child that would demonstrate entitlement, maybe the fact that my parents called me “Queenie” could give us a hint, but I do recognize my belief that I “should” have had skirts and sweaters that were dyed to match, that I “could never” be caught dead wearing the same thing twice to an event where I would see the same people, and we should “always” have “my” favorite dinner on my birthday.  All that seems standard, not a sign of entitlement, or was it?  

By the time I reached my twenties and had to go to work, I felt entitled to get my nails done, have a good haircut and be able to wear nice shoes.  No matter that I was a single mother to three small daughters and that getting may nails done every week or two, might have been seen as more of a luxury to some, I felt it was necessary. My hands were, after all, out before my public.   

I remember traveling to Reno one September on business, and stepping down the gateway of the plane into a snow flurry.  I was wearing a cotton dress and sandals, so I had the cab take me directly to Joseph Magnin, my favorite store of the day, where I purchased a full length, chocolate suede coat with sheered lamb trim, with what should have been the rent money.  Hey, it was cold!

That may have been the beginning of my slide down a long and slippery slope.  My point of view was that if I needed it and liked it, I should have it.  I gave little or no thought to whether or not I could afford it, or how my actions might impact others.  I carried that perspective with me through all of my marriages, relationships and most of my life . 

Not that my sense of entitlement was always about me.  Things really got scary when my children and later my grand children, wanted something.  I have never wanted to say “no.”  When my girls were growing up I frequently spent the January rent money to buy presents for Christmas.  I thought of it as creating magic, while in retrospect, I was creating stress at the least and debt at the worst.  My philosophy did not change during my marriages.  When it came to pleasing my kids, my methods and motives were not open to  discussion.  It was my way, and only my way.  (Humm, four divorces.  I wonder …….)

Even before I had grand kids I loved being a gift- giver.  Seeing, truly seeing people and noticing their likes and dislikes, their passions, what makes their hearts sing has been both a blessing and a curse.  I have always wanted to give everyone I love, everything.  I never thought of how I was over-stepping boundaries, taking away the place of people closer and more appropriate to the recipient by playing “the big-shot” and giving the biggest and best.  Was I really so generous or did I just want to look good?  I think there have often been both motives in play.

So WHY I have come to the place of realizing that my feeling “entitled” is a defect of character that has to go is simple to answer but not easy to put into practice.  It has taken a lot of Windex to clean the blinders I have been wearing my whole life.  After all giving doesn’t look bad to the naked eye.  But giving at the expense of others so that I can look generous and important, well that is a price I can no longer afford to pay.  Especially when I am not the one earning the money and paying the bills.

My husband is a very generous man.  He wants the same things I want.  He loves giving to our family and friends as much as I do, but often I have denied him that pleasure by being the first to jump in with my credit card.  He is generous with the life he provides for me.  I have help in the house a few days each week and everything else I could possibly need or want.  I am entitled to none of it.  It is all a gift, every bit.

My mother used to say a prayer that I have adopted on some occasions and forgotten on others.  “Thank you God for all I have that I don’t deserve.”  Ouch!  This retreat had a ripple effect!

Today is Wednesday.  I am back in the rhythm of my sweet, sweet life.  The defect of entitlement has yet to be lifted out of me, but I feel it loosening.  Mostly what is happening is that I am seeing how pride, ego and a sense of entitlement dominates my every day.  God’s got his work cut out for Him.  This may not be an easy removal.  I’m glad I don’t go to a retreat very often.  I’m going to need a vacation after this one.

My life is so glamorous!  It’s just not fair, lucky for me!!

 

 

Comments

[Kiley Olivier]

Kathy...FYI...with all that you have given me, be it a chance to thrive spiritually, emotionally, financially or otherwise...I don't give a darn what your motivation has been, and I am truly grateful to have you in my life. You ARE entitled to have a few things in life, because your life has not always been a bed of roses. And the wisdom you have earned and bestowed upon so many of us is worth something...and for me it is that you are entitled to that pat you give yourself on your back. Quite frankly, with all you have done for me, you are way to hard on yourself. You may not be entitled to spend other people's energy, or step in other people's way who should be in front of you...but you are entitled to my gratitude...because I said so. xoxoxo!